Tonight, I Write the Saddest Words…

My first law school midterm is over.  I am gearing up to tackle the next hurdle (a legal memo due on Monday).  And I’m just working one day to the next, trying to keep ahead and trying to understand.  But right now, I’m distracted.

 It seems that I only write when I am feeling less-than-stellar.  Probably because my day-to-day is less than extraordinary, so I’m not motivated enough to write about it.  And I know that this feeling will pass, as it always does, and will be replaced with thoughts or priorities that are more important.

 Yet, here I am.  In the same place I find myself from time to time.

 There are times I wish that my life was different.  I go back and try to figure out what decision I could have made differently, another path I could have chose.  What lead me here and am I going the right way?

The truth is though, no matter how much I wax poetic about how I feel, it can be reduced to just… loneliness.  I am so afraid that I will end up alone for the rest of my life that it stops me in my tracks and I can’t move past it.  So many thoughts and fears and worries are all tied to just being lonely.

 I have great friends and a wonderful family.  A number of people that care about me and who I truly care about.  But I still feel detached, somehow.  As if there is still a wall left standing.  Something’s missing and I don’t know what that is.

Gods, I wish I could change.  I wish I could find the determination to fix myself and all that I perceive is wrong with me.  But I’m running out of time and I’m running out of hope.  I’m afraid that one day, I’ll look in the mirror and I see that I have truly given up.

I wish I were different.