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In a State of Transition

I find myself in the same state I felt when I was a senior in high school.  That place where you’re at the end of a stage in your life and you’re so close to that new beginning. You’re excited, apprehensive, scared, impatient, happy, and sad … (and lazy and unmotivated).  Senioritis.

It’s hard to keep my head in the game when I want to be 7 months into the future.  Logically, I know, I have to get through these next 7 months, have to do all the things required of me, must do the work to get the reward – otherwise, I won’t graduate and the thing I’m looking forward to ain’t going to happen.

Frustrated. That’s the feeling I’ve been dealing with a lot. Frustrated that I can’t make it all go faster, or slow down enough so I can catch up.  Frustrated that I want to be the person I know I am becoming but can’t do so yet until I finish all of this stuff.  It’s not busy work, like high school; it’s work that is essential.  But still frustrated.

Scared. I can’t help feeling scared sometimes. Scared that I will mess up something and that dream at the tip of my fingers will just dissipate. Scared that a small mistake will end up with very big and very real consequences.  This is “real life” stuff I’m dealing with now.  This is the “what I want to be when I grow up” – the challenge is pretty daunting.

Curious. I know I do not have everything figured out for the course of my life.  I know that point B is graduating law school and passing the bar exam.  Point C may be becoming a lawyer for a time.  But after that – I’m curious to find out where my life will lead me. Where I will find myself in five years, in ten?  Will I still be passionate about all this stuff?  Will I be happy?  How many of my dreams would have come true by then?

Drowning. In all honesty, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Time has become more valuable, and yet, I still manage to leave things until the last minute.  Character flaw of mine, for sure.  Procrastination, thy name is tabin.  The workload is getting to me.   I get so intimidated by the amount of work that needs to be done that I immobilize myself.  My priorities keep shifting back and forth.  I feel like I’m juggling and about to drop it all.

Lonely. I miss my friends. My kindred.  So many of the sacrifices made have involved spending time with those who keep me laughing, those who keep me sane.  Though all of those friends understand that this is something I have to do, I feel drained of energy because there’s no way to ‘recharge’ through being around people.

Happy. It took awhile to get to happy … still haven’t reached the status quo ante aestas. But it’s easier to remember now that yes, I was happy.  Because I know that all this stuff that brings me down now are just temporary.  That one day, I won’t have to sacrifice time with my friends in order to study. That I will be able to leave work at work and rest at home.  That my passion for law will lead to some good times.  That I’ll get to where I’m going, on my own terms. Because hey, in 7 months, I’m graduating law school.  That’s going to be awesome.

Posted in Law School, Real Life.

1 comment

By tabin – October 25, 2009

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

The thing that scared me the most about yesterday was not that I was willing to give up completely, but the lack of hesitation. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t ponder whether it was something I truly needed to do (because it was already a given that it was). I didn’t lock myself in a closet to help calm down. I just did it with no real barriers. And that’s what scares me.

I don’t feel proud of myself to resorting to the lowest of lows. But I don’t regret my decision either. I was at that point where being in my own skin was hell. The point where the only thing in my control was to turn my emotion to a physical manifestation.

Some people create out of emotion, as a way to cope. I destroy.

It made me calm. It made me concentrate and got me out of my head, a place so easy to get lost in.

It’ll fade, just like all the other times. No permanent reminder of this time. At least, not on the outside.

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Posted in Unravel.

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By tabin – September 28, 2009

Queen of Swords

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queenofswords

"She was as beatiful and as cold as a sculpture of ice..." ~ Archeon Tarot

“The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She’s usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humor. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp – thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.”

The Queen of Swords didn’t show up in my last reading, but I’m sure if I ask the cards again, she’d show up.  There is a tragic sadness and humor that I feel some connection to the Queen of Swords. The various descriptions make it hard to ignore that maybe this is who I am, at least at the moment.

So, the question is – can I accept the dual sides of the Queen of Swords? Can I accept the good and the bad? Am I lying to myself?

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Posted in Unravel.

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By tabin – September 27, 2009

Exchange Music Project Update…

Do not worry – I have not forgotten about this idea.  School is keeping me busy, but that’s no reason to not give you all homework.

The theme to this exchange is simple enough: Soundtrack to Your Life.  Make a list of songs that tells the story of your life – where you’ve been, where you want to be, what you do.  If that’s too much, then just a soundtrack for your day.

But, if you’re anything like me, you’ll need more direction to figure out your CD playlist. So, I offer this basic outline:

  1. Opening Credits:
  2. Waking Up:
  3. Life is Good:
  4. Secret Love:
  5. Quiet Moment:
  6. Falling In Love:
  7. Time with Friends:
  8. Breaking Up:
  9. Mental Breakdown:
  10. Driving:
  11. Flashback:
  12. Happy Dance:
  13. Regretting:
  14. “Fight” Song:
  15. Moment of Triumph:
  16. The Last Scene
  17. End Credits:

**This is just a suggestion for a track list – you don’t have to follow it. If you want to present your songs in another way, you’re more than welcome.

    Rules and guidelines:

    • It seems that the average CD will hold 17 songs, so try to keep the track numbers between 15 and 18.
    • As much as we all have favorite bands or favorite artists, think diversity.  At maximum, only have a max of two songs from the same band/artist.  If, for example, your favorite band broke up and old members started a new band, then three songs max from both bands.
    • Tracklist with the name of the song and the artist.  Simple list, numbered in order of the tracks on the CD.  Following each track, you can write something about why you chose the song.  Each “playlist” will be featured during the time the songs are available.

      That’s it for now.  Questions? Comments? Cookies? Comment or @ me on Twitter.

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      Posted in Geekiness.

      1 comment

      By tabin – September 23, 2009

      A Proposition: Twitter Music Exchange

      This idea was borne from a conversation about music block – a phase where you realize that you’re growing tired of the same songs repeating on your music player, be it your iPod or even the radio.  If you’re like me, you don’t listen to the radio so you don’t know what’s out there, nowadays.  If you’re like me, you pick your music from those random moments you actually hear a “new” song that catches you in an instant.  If you’re like me, you rely on your friends to save you from this stalemate of the same old, same old.

      This is what I propose to get out of this stalemate: a music exchange.  Better yet, this is also an offer to get to know people through music.

      The plan’s simple – each person in the exchange makes a CD of music.  Each CD will be a “soundtrack” of that person’s life.  Use songs to describe moments in your life, like waking up or lessons learned; songs that somehow give a little bit of insight into who you are.  After making the CD, you send it to someone in the exchange. They send theirs to someone else. Every two weeks, we just pass the CDs around until you eventually end up hearing everyone’s soundtrack.

      If there are 17 songs per CD, and 10 people sign up, that’s 153 (potentially) new songs for you to listen to. More people, more songs. And believe me – not everyone listens to the same music so you’re bound to find a gem somewhere in there.

      Anyone interested?  Comment here or @ me on Twitter. And I’ll figure out the logistics after I get a head-count.

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      Posted in Geekiness.

      4 comments

      By tabin – August 31, 2009

      Stained with Red

      Will this scar? Will this stain?
      Triumph marked by the thought
      - the regret? – of a mistake made.

      Will it burrow? Or will it fade?
      Price of the struggle left on skin
      hasn’t washed away.

      Am I scarred? Am I stained -
      stained with this remnant of red?

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      Posted in Writings.

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      By tabin – August 29, 2009

      A Fault

      Somehow, two decades have passed since I moved to the United States (for good). Twenty years. How did that happen?  That’s first grade through high school, four years of college, two years of hanging around, and two years of law school.  And in all that time, I have not been able to become fluent in Korean.

      Yes, that bothers me.

      My earliest childhood memories are ones of growing up in Korea.  Memories of how my cousins tormented me.  Picking strawberries in the fields behind school.  Catching dragonflies.  Learning piano.  Playing GI Joes with my best friend. Bits of memories that don’t all flow together, but somehow seem whole.

      When I was six, my father was sent to the United States, and my mother and I obligatorily followed.  I left my family and came to live in a place where I had to learn most of the (new) language and forget the old one.  And I can’t seem to get back the fluency of Korean now that I am older.

      My mother’s sister (yes, my aunt, I’m aware of how that works) is in town. And by “in town,” I mean the same ZIP code.  My first reaction to my mother’s suggestion that I meet her while she’s still here was, “NO!”  Not because I don’t WANT to see her, or anyone from my mother’s side of the family. It’s because I am ashamed that I can’t talk to her.

      I can understand well enough (probably the vocabulary equivalent to that known by a 10 year old), but I just get a mental block when I want to reply. I can’t parse together a sentence. I blanked on how to say how old I was now. I get intimidated in Korean restaurants, for somethings sake.

      My parents have told me not to worry about it. But I do worry about it. And it doesn’t help much that Korea is one of those “shame-based” countries.  It reflects poorly on me that I can’t speak my native tongue.

      It feels like a part of me is missing because I can’t re-connect with the family that dominate my early life memories. I can’t joke about how I used to tattle on my cousin for sucking his thumb. Or how my uncles used to play card games on my blanket. Or how I thought my aunt was the prettiest woman in the world. Or how much they mean to me, even after twenty years away from them.

      Posted in Real Life.

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      By tabin – August 11, 2009

      Teh Awesome

      summer_01It’s hard being awesome. I don’t mean to say that in a pretentious, snobby way as in, “I know that I am awesome, it’s tough being me.”  But more in the way of: I forget that I am awesome and forget to BE awesome.

      How many of us berate ourselves for our shortcomings on a daily basis?  I used to look in the mirror and pinpoint (to myself) all the flaws I saw. When I screw up, even if it is something small and completely fixed, I still think about it months afterwards.  I repeat those mistakes in my mind constantly, and it’s easy to get caught in the trap of self-degredation.  I forget that I am awesome.

      So, when I saw it’s hard being awesome, it is more that I start to believe that I am not awesome …

      Yes, I will stop using the word “awesome” now.

      I was hit by a very big metaphorical truck a couple weeks ago.  The core of the issue was the fact that I am always trying to please my friends, always trying to give them something in order to keep them as friends.  I’ve done this since I was a child. I saw friendship as “What can I give this person so they will like me?”  Growing up as a military brat and moving every four years, I had to “learn” how to make friends fast, and the fastest way of doing so is exchanging something of value.

      I remember trying to bribe the neighborhood kids with bubblegum when I was in first grade. As if bubblegum was treasure …

      It never really occurred to me that my true friends don’t NEED anything from me, other than just being a good friend in return.  When I got hit by that truck, I finally got it.  My friends are my friends because of me (and my awesomeness*). It was the wake-up call I needed.

      After this experience, I just started to affirm how good of a person I actually am.  It’s easy to complain, and it’s easy to hate myself. What’s really hard, the actual challenge worth pursuing, is being nice to myself and to be confident about my abilities.

      summer_10

      &—— // ———

      I used to hate pictures of myself.  I missed chronicling a good chunk of my time in high school because I could not stand looking at me.  I was fine with being always behind the camera.

      But now, I’m beginning to see that it’s all just my perception. The way I look to myself is totally dependent on how I am feeling about myself.  When I feel ugly, I will not like what I see in pictures, or even in the mirror.

      If I feel great, well … then it gives me enough bravery to include two photos of myself in one blog posts.

      This is me, and I’m awesome**.

      &—— // ———

      *I had to.
      ** I really had to then, too.

      Posted in Musings, Real Life.

      1 comment

      By tabin – August 5, 2009

      Kismet – 10 Years

      It’s fitting that I end this less-than-stellar week with a Stars Align concert. In the ten years I have been following all the different permutations of this band, I have changed so much. All the ups and downs, it seems that this band has been the background soundtrack to it all.

      I wouldn’t find myself here if it wasn’t for this music, this band. They were the glimmer of hope I had when things were really bad.  And my touchstone, even now.

      So, I’m off for some good music with some good friends.  And maybe I’ll find my happiness along the way.

      Stars Align

      Neve Genius

      Posted in Musings.

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      By tabin – July 10, 2009

      Protected: the ghosts again

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      By tabin – July 10, 2009