In a State of Transition

I find myself in the same state I felt when I was a senior in high school.  That place where you’re at the end of a stage in your life and you’re so close to that new beginning. You’re excited, apprehensive, scared, impatient, happy, and sad … (and lazy and unmotivated).  Senioritis.

It’s hard to keep my head in the game when I want to be 7 months into the future.  Logically, I know, I have to get through these next 7 months, have to do all the things required of me, must do the work to get the reward – otherwise, I won’t graduate and the thing I’m looking forward to ain’t going to happen.

Frustrated. That’s the feeling I’ve been dealing with a lot. Frustrated that I can’t make it all go faster, or slow down enough so I can catch up.  Frustrated that I want to be the person I know I am becoming but can’t do so yet until I finish all of this stuff.  It’s not busy work, like high school; it’s work that is essential.  But still frustrated.

Scared. I can’t help feeling scared sometimes. Scared that I will mess up something and that dream at the tip of my fingers will just dissipate. Scared that a small mistake will end up with very big and very real consequences.  This is “real life” stuff I’m dealing with now.  This is the “what I want to be when I grow up” – the challenge is pretty daunting.

Curious. I know I do not have everything figured out for the course of my life.  I know that point B is graduating law school and passing the bar exam.  Point C may be becoming a lawyer for a time.  But after that – I’m curious to find out where my life will lead me. Where I will find myself in five years, in ten?  Will I still be passionate about all this stuff?  Will I be happy?  How many of my dreams would have come true by then?

Drowning. In all honesty, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Time has become more valuable, and yet, I still manage to leave things until the last minute.  Character flaw of mine, for sure.  Procrastination, thy name is tabin.  The workload is getting to me.   I get so intimidated by the amount of work that needs to be done that I immobilize myself.  My priorities keep shifting back and forth.  I feel like I’m juggling and about to drop it all.

Lonely. I miss my friends. My kindred.  So many of the sacrifices made have involved spending time with those who keep me laughing, those who keep me sane.  Though all of those friends understand that this is something I have to do, I feel drained of energy because there’s no way to ‘recharge’ through being around people.

Happy. It took awhile to get to happy … still haven’t reached the status quo ante aestas. But it’s easier to remember now that yes, I was happy.  Because I know that all this stuff that brings me down now are just temporary.  That one day, I won’t have to sacrifice time with my friends in order to study. That I will be able to leave work at work and rest at home.  That my passion for law will lead to some good times.  That I’ll get to where I’m going, on my own terms. Because hey, in 7 months, I’m graduating law school.  That’s going to be awesome.