I have been having a hard time lately with the way I see myself. Somehow, I am back to where I started in regards to my self-esteem.
I know that it shouldn’t matter how much I weigh or what I look like because I am a good person. I was beginning to believe that. But when I look at pictures of my body, when I look in the mirror, all I can see is the features that disgust me (and I’m sure others). I feel shameful, I feel…ugly.
How do I go out in public like that? How can I face myself in the morning? What in the hell was I thinking?
I wish I could get rid of these thoughts. I wish I could love me for exactly who I am and what I look like. But it’s so hard trying to reverse years and years of conditioning, of thinking how I think. And it’s so hard to allow myself to be happy because I equate all my unhappiness with how I look.
Is this shallow? Probably. But this is the internal struggle that seems to keep coming up in my life. I hope to God it stops; I hope to God I win.
Most of the time, I just wish I could wake up as a different person…or not wake up at all.