This year has been filled with so many blessings that I don’t really know where to start. My friends and family have been wonderful and supportive. I love my job that was graciously bestowed upon me. It’s been great to finally reconnect with those who had to suffer me while in law school.

But most of all, I’ve come to terms with a lot of what I held inside. And I just let it go. Life is too short and too awesome to spend it thinking about things that don’t really matter in the greater scheme of things.

So, I’ll continue not wanting so much and being gracious for what I have. And be gracious of myself — giving more than taking. I turned out okay and I will be alright — for this, I am confident.

Happy birthday, me.

I was thinking about writing a contemplative post about what it was like taking this test, how I’m a better person because of it, et cetera.  But really, it was three days of law.  The first day was meh. The second day was better. The third day was good.  There were moments where I doubted myself, where I beat myself up for missing a few issues, where I would avoid thinking about it all together.  A few of my friends would talk around me, doing the same thing.  It would make me feel both better and worse.

It really is just one big psychological war game.

For two months, you’re studying, trying to cram 3 years of courses into your brain, trying to master the essays, the multiple choice, and the performance tests.  For the few weeks leading up to it, you’re anxious, scared, and on edge.  You repeat to yourself, “This is my future. If I fail, then OMGWTFBBQ!”  You chastise yourself for not studying every single waking moment of every single day.  For the week before, you’re going over each and every outline, trying to pick up the minute rules that may tip the scales in your favor.  For the night before, you try to keep the advice of not studying but fail miserably.

Then, you’re just there.  And you just mind-dump everything on the paper because, seriously, you just can’t take it anymore. (At least, that was me on the first day.)

One big psychological war game.  One that I think you can’t really prepare for, nor accurately describe to others.

I got my badge. And we’ll see in November if I was good enough.

Here it is:

I understand the sentiment. Three days ago, I said that I was afraid of letting people down. That stems from the fact that everyone does tell me I’m going to pass and if I don’t, then well, hello awkward conversation.

But I get it. We all need a chance to freak out and panic without more pressure plopped on us from the “you won’t fail” responses.

It’s comforting to know that I am not the only one panicking. Also a bit enlightening. In a “So that’s what I’m like” way.

I’ve tried to keep the crazy to a minimum, albeit I sometimes fail. Kay has been great about dealing with it all. Hopefully I’ve been better about expressly how much I appreciate the support of my friends, regardless of whatever imaginary pressure I place on my self, imputed to others.

(What? Where am I going with this? Oh right.)

I have given up worrying about whether I pass or fail because it is not my job to decide if I do. Whoever grades my exam gets to have that honor.

So what am I going to do? For the next six days, I’m going to do my darnedest to prepare and get my act together. Because I figure, whatever result I get in November is directly caused by what I do in the next 10 days. Seriously, what I deserve is what I get.

“There is no such thing as luck. There is only adequate or inadequate preparation to cope with a statistical universe.” – Robert Heinlein.

I’m done panicking.

Today, I took a practice performance test because I am aware that it is my weakest out of the three types of test I’ll be facing. I’ve heard horror stories about people failing the entire test because of this section. Now, I am caught between not worrying about failing and completely resigning myself to it. This equals a lot of frustration.

I was doing fine a couple days ago. I was so sure that I would be able to do this. But the fact that I freeze up whenever I am facing a performance test, it is disheartening.

So what are my options? In this type of situation, I usually try to avoid whatever bothers me until it goes away. That, obviously, won’t work in this situation. More practice? Only downside about that is a performance test requires three hours to do. Pressed for time, I won’t be able to practice too much. I still have substantive law to worry about. Also, basic essay writing.

In the back of my mind, I still have that nagging fear of failing. Remembering all the tests I have taken that have been the gateways to the next phase of my life (driving test, SATs, LSATs), I’ve always had to take them twice. I don’t want that to happen this time, but I’m afraid that it may just be in my nature.

And I’m afraid of letting people down. Although logically, I know that this test is for me, and that my friends and family won’t be disappointed. But illogically, the fear is still there and it matters to me.

I have less than nine days. And I feel disheartened. I know I can do this, it’s just … I needed to say this out loud without people trying to pep talk me.

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” || Anatole France

There is a hint of melancholy that is accompanying this process of change, of letting go.  That kind of acceptance when you know where you need to go, but look back with bittersweet sadness at what you’re leaving behind.  That final look back as you step out the door.

I’ve been spring cleaning myself lately, making room for all the new experiences ahead of me.  Finally growing up, I guess.

Mind you, I’m scared of what’s to come because there is so much unknown in front of me.  The stability of school will no longer be there.  There is some doubt: will I succeed; will I make it; will I find a job; will I survive?  But I’m sure I’m not the first person to ask and I certainly won’t be the last.

With law school coming to an end, I guess I’m just taking stock of my life.  I’m taking the time to differentiate between the child-like/childish and mature, I Corinthians Chapter 13 style.  Go figure.

It’s hard to keep my head in the game when I want to be 7 months into the future.  Logically, I know, I have to get through these next 7 months, have to do all the things required of me, must do the work to get the reward – otherwise, I won’t graduate and the thing I’m looking forward to ain’t going to happen.

Frustrated. That’s the feeling I’ve been dealing with a lot. Frustrated that I can’t make it all go faster, or slow down enough so I can catch up.  Frustrated that I want to be the person I know I am becoming but can’t do so yet until I finish all of this stuff.  It’s not busy work, like high school; it’s work that is essential.  But still frustrated.

Scared. I can’t help feeling scared sometimes. Scared that I will mess up something and that dream at the tip of my fingers will just dissipate. Scared that a small mistake will end up with very big and very real consequences.  This is “real life” stuff I’m dealing with now.  This is the “what I want to be when I grow up” – the challenge is pretty daunting.

Curious. I know I do not have everything figured out for the course of my life.  I know that point B is graduating law school and passing the bar exam.  Point C may be becoming a lawyer for a time.  But after that – I’m curious to find out where my life will lead me. Where I will find myself in five years, in ten?  Will I still be passionate about all this stuff?  Will I be happy?  How many of my dreams would have come true by then?

Drowning. In all honesty, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Time has become more valuable, and yet, I still manage to leave things until the last minute.  Character flaw of mine, for sure.  Procrastination, thy name is tabin.  The workload is getting to me.   I get so intimidated by the amount of work that needs to be done that I immobilize myself.  My priorities keep shifting back and forth.  I feel like I’m juggling and about to drop it all.

Lonely. I miss my friends. My kindred.  So many of the sacrifices made have involved spending time with those who keep me laughing, those who keep me sane.  Though all of those friends understand that this is something I have to do, I feel drained of energy because there’s no way to ‘recharge’ through being around people.

Happy. It took awhile to get to happy … still haven’t reached the status quo ante aestas. But it’s easier to remember now that yes, I was happy.  Because I know that all this stuff that brings me down now are just temporary.  That one day, I won’t have to sacrifice time with my friends in order to study. That I will be able to leave work at work and rest at home.  That my passion for law will lead to some good times.  That I’ll get to where I’m going, on my own terms. Because hey, in 7 months, I’m graduating law school.  That’s going to be awesome.

Yes, that bothers me.

My earliest childhood memories are ones of growing up in Korea.  Memories of how my cousins tormented me.  Picking strawberries in the fields behind school.  Catching dragonflies.  Learning piano.  Playing GI Joes with my best friend. Bits of memories that don’t all flow together, but somehow seem whole.

When I was six, my father was sent to the United States, and my mother and I obligatorily followed.  I left my family and came to live in a place where I had to learn most of the (new) language and forget the old one.  And I can’t seem to get back the fluency of Korean now that I am older.

My mother’s sister (yes, my aunt, I’m aware of how that works) is in town. And by “in town,” I mean the same ZIP code.  My first reaction to my mother’s suggestion that I meet her while she’s still here was, “NO!”  Not because I don’t WANT to see her, or anyone from my mother’s side of the family. It’s because I am ashamed that I can’t talk to her.

I can understand well enough (probably the vocabulary equivalent to that known by a 10 year old), but I just get a mental block when I want to reply. I can’t parse together a sentence. I blanked on how to say how old I was now. I get intimidated in Korean restaurants, for somethings sake.

My parents have told me not to worry about it. But I do worry about it. And it doesn’t help much that Korea is one of those “shame-based” countries.  It reflects poorly on me that I can’t speak my native tongue.

It feels like a part of me is missing because I can’t re-connect with the family that dominate my early life memories. I can’t joke about how I used to tattle on my cousin for sucking his thumb. Or how my uncles used to play card games on my blanket. Or how I thought my aunt was the prettiest woman in the world. Or how much they mean to me, even after twenty years away from them.

How many of us berate ourselves for our shortcomings on a daily basis?  I used to look in the mirror and pinpoint (to myself) all the flaws I saw. When I screw up, even if it is something small and completely fixed, I still think about it months afterwards.  I repeat those mistakes in my mind constantly, and it’s easy to get caught in the trap of self-degredation.  I forget that I am awesome.

So, when I saw it’s hard being awesome, it is more that I start to believe that I am not awesome …

Yes, I will stop using the word “awesome” now.

I was hit by a very big metaphorical truck a couple weeks ago.  The core of the issue was the fact that I am always trying to please my friends, always trying to give them something in order to keep them as friends.  I’ve done this since I was a child. I saw friendship as “What can I give this person so they will like me?”  Growing up as a military brat and moving every four years, I had to “learn” how to make friends fast, and the fastest way of doing so is exchanging something of value.

I remember trying to bribe the neighborhood kids with bubblegum when I was in first grade. As if bubblegum was treasure …

It never really occurred to me that my true friends don’t NEED anything from me, other than just being a good friend in return.  When I got hit by that truck, I finally got it.  My friends are my friends because of me (and my awesomeness*). It was the wake-up call I needed.

After this experience, I just started to affirm how good of a person I actually am.  It’s easy to complain, and it’s easy to hate myself. What’s really hard, the actual challenge worth pursuing, is being nice to myself and to be confident about my abilities.

&—— // ———

I used to hate pictures of myself.  I missed chronicling a good chunk of my time in high school because I could not stand looking at me.  I was fine with being always behind the camera.

But now, I’m beginning to see that it’s all just my perception. The way I look to myself is totally dependent on how I am feeling about myself.  When I feel ugly, I will not like what I see in pictures, or even in the mirror.

If I feel great, well … then it gives me enough bravery to include two photos of myself in one blog posts.

This is me, and I’m awesome**.

&—— // ———

*I had to.
** I really had to then, too.

Photos courtesy of danregal.