As more and more time goes on, the more and more I seclude myself from those around me.  I have ignored the complaints that I never go out, ignored the little jabs at my preferred method of interaction. I give the responses that I feel are true: I don’t like bars, I don’t like strangers, I like small dinners and conversations with close friends.  Maybe the explanations are true, or maybe just a pattern that I fell into as a defense mechanism.

I never learned how to keep friends.  I guess there never really was a need to before now.  The constant geographic relocating throughout my life allowed me to make friends fast, but never lasting.  I only keep in touch with a handful of people that have known me for more than a decade; even then, I only see them sporadically.  This is all not to say that length of relationship is directly correlated to the closeness of a relationship.  But, if you grow up knowing that friendships are temporary, you never really learn how to open yourself up.

So, what does this all have to do with the beginning part of this psyche deconstruction?

I have many friends. Friends who I’ve let see the best and worst sides of me. Friends that have made me a better person, day by day.  I wouldn’t trade them for anything.  But, most of them are just names on the computer screen, voices on the other end of the phone.  I don’t see them everyday.

And my fear is that I somehow trapped myself into a life pattern of secluding myself from the world literally past my doorstep for one, though more vast and fulfilling, that for the majority of the time is intangible.   Because the truth is, I spend the majority of my time on my computer, alone in my room.  I rarely go out because I rather stay in.  I don’t invite people over.  Some call it a rut, I call it my life.  It’s been like this since I was 14.

This is more than just not having time in my life to do the fun things because I am in law school.  Yes, law school does require sacrifice.  But for some reason, I am beginning to think that I sacrificed too much.  Rather than life happening to me, I just let it not happen.

& – - – || – - -

These thoughts may just be fleeting, resulting from a ghost of a previous psyche.  It may just be stress, or the uncertainty I’m facing after I’m finished with my plans.  It should be easy to shrug this off, to just keep in mind that I don’t know what’s going to happen in six months time.  Maybe life will just happen to me and I just can’t see what’s coming.

But I had to admit that I am afraid.  Mostly to myself.  I spent a lifetime building up walls around me to keep the pain out.  I just hope that those walls aren’t also designed to keep me in.

I don’t feel proud of myself to resorting to the lowest of lows. But I don’t regret my decision either. I was at that point where being in my own skin was hell. The point where the only thing in my control was to turn my emotion to a physical manifestation.

Some people create out of emotion, as a way to cope. I destroy.

It made me calm. It made me concentrate and got me out of my head, a place so easy to get lost in.

It’ll fade, just like all the other times. No permanent reminder of this time. At least, not on the outside.

"She was as beatiful and as cold as a sculpture of ice..." ~ Archeon Tarot

“The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She’s usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humor. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp – thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.”

So, the question is – can I accept the dual sides of the Queen of Swords? Can I accept the good and the bad? Am I lying to myself?

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It’s selfish.  And unfair.

But sometimes, I just feel so non-existent that I want to make that true.

What stops me is the fear that what I am feeling really is true.  That what I do in my life really doesn’t impact anyone.  That I don’t really change anything.  It’s the fear of being forgotten that prevents me from disappearing.

And I’m so afraid of the day when that fear is no longer there. … What will stop me then?

I surrounded myself with pictures of happiness as if I were trying to convince myself that I could be happy.  Or at the very least, used to be happy.  It was hard, then, to think that I would get out of it.

But I did.  Took a few years and a thousand miles of distance from that room that used to suffocate me.  Now, when I look at pictures of myself, surrounded by the people I love, I don’t need the reminder to be happy.  I know that I am.

Photo courtesy of danregal

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Granted, there are a few impulsive decisions that make me cringe: like trying to ride a bike with no hands or feet.  Or July 4th, 1999.  But, regardless of how many scars resulted, I never regretted it.  Probably because I have the belief that every choice made along the way led to who I am now and who I am meant to be.  How can I regret that?

Still, I wonder – why don’t I give more thought into the “life-altering” decisions?  Or even to the small decisions that pepper my daily life?  The logical side of me says that such behavior is reckless.  Maybe even a little selfish.  When it comes down to a choice that’s fun or easy against responsible and thought-out, I go with the fun or easy.  Study or watch The Dresden Files?  Guess which wins out.  I’m fully prepared to deal with the consequences – like the less than stellar grades I receive – because I have to.  But, I know it’s only a matter of time before it all catches up with me and knocks me down for a long time.

Then there are the decisions I never make: allowing them to just pass me by and I shrug it off as “not meant to be.”  But in truth, I just never take the time to think about things and how actually making a choice will be good or bad for me.  I just wait long enough until I don’t have to make the decision.

I’ve just finished my second year of law school, and apparently I am the only one who doesn’t feel the pressure of finding a summer job (“for the experience”).  Although I do still have my research position, it’s not enough to get my foot in the door after I graduate, or so I’m told.  It’s not that I don’t want a great job after school; it’s more of the nagging feeling that I don’t want to work 60 hour weeks, letting life pass by.  I love learning about the law; I don’t know if I can live in that world for the rest of my life.

Or maybe, I just don’t want to “grow up” and take on actual responsibility.  I’m comfortable in this cocoon and maybe my decisions are based on the underlying desire to remain in it.

I don’t know for sure.  All I do know – no matter what’s in the chamber, I won’t regret the decision.

I’m emotionally drained right now.

I think I’ll disappear,  in my head, in the air
for a chance to feel, so far … far away from here I know I can’t stay too long
… I don’t belong here …

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