When I was in high school, my friends and I had a joke that we had to avoid the following topics in order to remain friends: race, religion, and politics. What I did not realize then that this is not a joke for some people – this is an active (or is it passive?) way of dealing with others in the world. Rather than it being a joke, it really is a rule. Up until five years ago, I would have been more than compliant of this implicit standard of social relationships. I liked having friends; it seemed antithetical to be able to talk about “race, religion or politics” and still have friends.
But after five years of talking politics with people much smarter than me, I am curious as to why the stakes are so high. Why was it assumed that relationships would be better off not discussing certain topics? Is it because we knew it would only end in a fight?
What I have learned that it is possible to get into these high stakes discussions without fighting, even end in a way where both parties have higher respect for their “adversaries”. Mind you, I have had my fair share of heated discussions, but nothing to the point where I wanted to end the friendship (or acquaintanceship if that was the case). Of course, to be truly honest, some of those discussions have resulted in me losing some respect; not because I disagreed with the other person but because of the manner in which the discussion took place.
I am a glutton for intellectual stimulation. I like learning new things and seeing if it fits into the vision of how I see the world. I like seeing things from both sides (or all sides because nothing is that black and white). I like to be confronted with facts and logical arguments. I like seeing things from different perspectives because it just one more way of figuring out this big puzzle that I call life. But most of all, I just like being able to discuss issues without it getting personal.
What I don’t like or appreciate is the feeling of being attacked for what I believe. Or the feeling that the other person thinks I’m just a lost soul wandering around without a clue as to what is going on. Or the feeling like they are trying to convert me to the “right” (or “left”) way of thinking. Most of all, I absolutely abhor being talked down to or being disrespected.
Much of my frustration is based upon the lack of respect I feel that people have for one another when getting into political discussions. I see it constantly on the “news” channels; political commentators bash the other side by going attacking the person and not the issue. People call this “no holding back punches”; I call it stifling genuine discussion. Maybe this is why the unspoken rule of “no race, religion or politics” was instituted. Not because my friends wanted to not talk about the issues, but because they didn’t want to deal with the additional baggage – namely these “debate” tactics.
Long ago, a friend once said to me, “You are better than no one and no one is better than you.” This became one of the few life mantras I hold. It’s closely related to the Golden Rule. When I am dealing with others, I try to be respectful because I expect the same treatment. I may not agree with them, but that gives me no right to treat them as if they are less than I. I am not perfect, of course. Sometimes I get short, sometimes I get snobby and holier-than-thou. But if I catch myself, I apologize for my behavior and continue on. If this makes me weak, so be it. But I have found that if I give respect, I get a lot more discussion out of a person. People don’t like to talk to you if you put them in a defensive position. (You get more flies with sugar than vinegar kind of thing.)
This lack of respect, in my opinion, is the reason why we don’t get very far along in fixing whatever people think is the problem. Instead of asking the relevant questions to further discussion and actually answering them, people latch on to the smallest thing and run with it. This kind of “debate” leaves everyone worse off.
Recently, Bill Maher said, “…while we were off, Sarah Palin agreed to do commentary at Fox News. Which is actually very similar to her day job – talking to a baby with Down Syndrome.” I don’t watch Fox News, but I know people who do. And I know the target audience of those who do watch. Comparing the those who tune into Fox News to a baby with Down Syndrome is idiotic. Yes, Mr. Maher, I understand that you disagree with the conservative/Republican base on many issues. But instead of talking about those issues, making your case as to why you are correct, you insult those who disagree with you. In my opinion, such actions undermines the credibility of a person’s points. The person could be completely correct in their assertions of political issues, I may even agree with them, but I would be less willing to continue in a discussion with them if they employ such disrespectful tactics.
What it all comes down is this: all I’m asking for is a little respect. Respect, to me, is not something to be “earned” but a starting point. You respect me, I’ll respect you. If you don’t respect me, then I won’t waste my time.