John Lennon was the one who sang, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” But what if life doesn’t happen to you when you’re following your plans? What if, instead of delaying your life like you believe you are doing, you’re actually molding your life into what it’s going to be?
As more and more time goes on, the more and more I seclude myself from those around me. I have ignored the complaints that I never go out, ignored the little jabs at my preferred method of interaction. I give the responses that I feel are true: I don’t like bars, I don’t like strangers, I like small dinners and conversations with close friends. Maybe the explanations are true, or maybe just a pattern that I fell into as a defense mechanism.
I never learned how to keep friends. I guess there never really was a need to before now. The constant geographic relocating throughout my life allowed me to make friends fast, but never lasting. I only keep in touch with a handful of people that have known me for more than a decade; even then, I only see them sporadically. This is all not to say that length of relationship is directly correlated to the closeness of a relationship. But, if you grow up knowing that friendships are temporary, you never really learn how to open yourself up.
So, what does this all have to do with the beginning part of this psyche deconstruction?
I have many friends. Friends who I’ve let see the best and worst sides of me. Friends that have made me a better person, day by day. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But, most of them are just names on the computer screen, voices on the other end of the phone. I don’t see them everyday.
And my fear is that I somehow trapped myself into a life pattern of secluding myself from the world literally past my doorstep for one, though more vast and fulfilling, that for the majority of the time is intangible. Because the truth is, I spend the majority of my time on my computer, alone in my room. I rarely go out because I rather stay in. I don’t invite people over. Some call it a rut, I call it my life. It’s been like this since I was 14.
This is more than just not having time in my life to do the fun things because I am in law school. Yes, law school does require sacrifice. But for some reason, I am beginning to think that I sacrificed too much. Rather than life happening to me, I just let it not happen.
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These thoughts may just be fleeting, resulting from a ghost of a previous psyche. It may just be stress, or the uncertainty I’m facing after I’m finished with my plans. It should be easy to shrug this off, to just keep in mind that I don’t know what’s going to happen in six months time. Maybe life will just happen to me and I just can’t see what’s coming.
But I had to admit that I am afraid. Mostly to myself. I spent a lifetime building up walls around me to keep the pain out. I just hope that those walls aren’t also designed to keep me in.
Comments
3 responses to “A Life Ennui”
Beautifully written, as always. I’m intrigued by the idea that we might think we’re in limbo, or in waiting, or on hold for a time, but that that phase is actually our life–that the waiting is the doing. Or…how you said it.
Makes me think about my own life, and my own current “holding pattern.” Hmm. I hope something is coming that I can’t see, too.
I did the same thing, because of my illness, because I moved a lot, too. I tell you what, I am ready to shed that coping mechanism & I’ll help you, when you’re ready. But for you I believe it’s mostly that you’ve got so much on your plate. It will get better (& yeah I keep telling myself that, too).
Being afraid is good, buddy. It helps us realize what inside us needs to change, what we need to work on to improve, and just how scary it can be to look inside ourselves. You just can’t let the fear paralyze you.
I’ve dealt with similar demons myself, so if you need any help, don’t hesitate to ask. 🙂 Good luck buddy with this new path towards a more social you. 🙂