On the Other Side

It’s been four and a half days since I completed the California Bar Examination.  To say I haven’t done much is an understatement.  I think today was actually the first day where I went beyond a 5-mile radius from my room.  Most of the time has been spent watching seasons of The West Wing and ignoring the remnants of my studying.  I have pretty much avoided doing anything that required me to change out of my pajamas and into clothes I wear in public.

I was thinking about writing a contemplative post about what it was like taking this test, how I’m a better person because of it, et cetera.  But really, it was three days of law.  The first day was meh. The second day was better. The third day was good.  There were moments where I doubted myself, where I beat myself up for missing a few issues, where I would avoid thinking about it all together.  A few of my friends would talk around me, doing the same thing.  It would make me feel both better and worse.

It really is just one big psychological war game.

For two months, you’re studying, trying to cram 3 years of courses into your brain, trying to master the essays, the multiple choice, and the performance tests.  For the few weeks leading up to it, you’re anxious, scared, and on edge.  You repeat to yourself, “This is my future. If I fail, then OMGWTFBBQ!”  You chastise yourself for not studying every single waking moment of every single day.  For the week before, you’re going over each and every outline, trying to pick up the minute rules that may tip the scales in your favor.  For the night before, you try to keep the advice of not studying but fail miserably.

Then, you’re just there.  And you just mind-dump everything on the paper because, seriously, you just can’t take it anymore. (At least, that was me on the first day.)

One big psychological war game.  One that I think you can’t really prepare for, nor accurately describe to others.

I got my badge. And we’ll see in November if I was good enough.