Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

The thing that scared me the most about yesterday was not that I was willing to give up completely, but the lack of hesitation. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t ponder whether it was something I truly needed to do (because it was already a given that it was). I didn’t lock myself in a closet to help calm down. I just did it with no real barriers. And that’s what scares me.

I don’t feel proud of myself to resorting to the lowest of lows. But I don’t regret my decision either. I was at that point where being in my own skin was hell. The point where the only thing in my control was to turn my emotion to a physical manifestation.

Some people create out of emotion, as a way to cope. I destroy.

It made me calm. It made me concentrate and got me out of my head, a place so easy to get lost in.

It’ll fade, just like all the other times. No permanent reminder of this time. At least, not on the outside.

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Queen of Swords

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"She was as beatiful and as cold as a sculpture of ice..." ~ Archeon Tarot

“The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She’s usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humor. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp – thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.”

The Queen of Swords didn’t show up in my last reading, but I’m sure if I ask the cards again, she’d show up.  There is a tragic sadness and humor that I feel some connection to the Queen of Swords. The various descriptions make it hard to ignore that maybe this is who I am, at least at the moment.

So, the question is – can I accept the dual sides of the Queen of Swords? Can I accept the good and the bad? Am I lying to myself?

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Exchange Music Project Update…

Do not worry – I have not forgotten about this idea.  School is keeping me busy, but that’s no reason to not give you all homework.

The theme to this exchange is simple enough: Soundtrack to Your Life.  Make a list of songs that tells the story of your life – where you’ve been, where you want to be, what you do.  If that’s too much, then just a soundtrack for your day.

But, if you’re anything like me, you’ll need more direction to figure out your CD playlist. So, I offer this basic outline:

  1. Opening Credits:
  2. Waking Up:
  3. Life is Good:
  4. Secret Love:
  5. Quiet Moment:
  6. Falling In Love:
  7. Time with Friends:
  8. Breaking Up:
  9. Mental Breakdown:
  10. Driving:
  11. Flashback:
  12. Happy Dance:
  13. Regretting:
  14. “Fight” Song:
  15. Moment of Triumph:
  16. The Last Scene
  17. End Credits:

**This is just a suggestion for a track list – you don’t have to follow it. If you want to present your songs in another way, you’re more than welcome.

    Rules and guidelines:

    • It seems that the average CD will hold 17 songs, so try to keep the track numbers between 15 and 18.
    • As much as we all have favorite bands or favorite artists, think diversity.  At maximum, only have a max of two songs from the same band/artist.  If, for example, your favorite band broke up and old members started a new band, then three songs max from both bands.
    • Tracklist with the name of the song and the artist.  Simple list, numbered in order of the tracks on the CD.  Following each track, you can write something about why you chose the song.  Each “playlist” will be featured during the time the songs are available.

      That’s it for now.  Questions? Comments? Cookies? Comment or @ me on Twitter.

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