“Get Out of My Brain”

I am sure that this topic has been explored by a variety of Women’s Studies essays and daytime talk shows, but I wanted to touch upon this after sharing a couple blog entries with a friend.

When are girls taught to hate themselves?*

I refuse to believe that this is an innate state that we are born with; this kind of destructive thinking is taught and acquired.  So, when does this happen?  Why does it happen?

Is it the media culture that shows us what type of “beauty” is acceptable?   We are bombarded with images of size 0 women with perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect bust- and waist-lines and we then look ourselves in the mirror and hate what we see.  But an interesting phenomenon is the fact that few of those women who have that “perfect” image looking back at them may feel the same way as, well, I do.

Why is that?

Another observation–why do women need the validation from others (mostly males) before they believe when they are told the obvious (that they’re gorgeous)?

In my short life, I have accomplished a lot.  I’ve graduated from high school, earned a bachelor’s degree from an esteemed university, and, recently, was accepted to law school.  But without “a man in my life,” I still feel like a disappointment, I still feel like I’ve failed.  Why?

When did I start hating myself?  Why can’t I accept the compliments given to me?  Why is it easier to believe the bad things that I say about myself, from a completely subjective standpoint, and disregard the opinions of others, who are a little more objective?

And even knowing all of this–why do I still fall into the same trap?


*Note: I am aware that this may not be isolated to just females, but this is a topic that seems to dominate the discourse when discussing women’s “issues.”

wishing on a star out of reach

Is it wrong to wish for something (seemingly) larger than yourself?

For as long as I can remember, I always wished for a different life than the one that I found myself living at any particular moment. I’m not unique in this manner, I am sure. How many of us are dissatisfied with our lives, or even ourselves? So I would dream for the impossible, the unattainable, the larger-than-life dreams that I keep only to myself. Because, at the very least, I can believe (lie to myself?) that I was worth it all.

But, I found that it gets dangerous when I let my dreams, my wishes run away from me.  The lines between reality and imagination start to blur and I end up being disappointed in how things turn out.  I break my own heart.

Even worse, I start to take inventory on all the reasons WHY I do not have the life I want.  I know some things are out of my control, since I am not in any kind of life situation that would lead to some specific dreams (for example, being married to a famous actor).  But other circumstances within my realm of control–that is where I get myself in trouble.  That is when I start to doubt myself and my self-worth.  That is where I start to hate myself.

Is it wrong to wish for something larger than myself, if wishing in such a way leads to the inevitable destruction of some piece of me?

I know the answer is “Yes.”  But, I still live in denial of it all.

Pickin’ Myself Up

Okay, I wallowed.  Just for a brief moment and then I stopped.  It’s gotten easier for me to stop feeling sorry for myself and actually do something about whatever is bugging me.  In that way, I have changed the most.

After facing the harsh reality of my current state of existence, I reassesed by life and started the process to get the desired results.  I am not forcing myself to do this though; I am just motivated enough to change my bad habits.

With law school coming up in a few months, I concluded that I need to change my habits and mannerisms that lead me to my own self-destruction.  If I get into a lifestyle that is healthy and productive, then I will not fall back into those bad habits once school starts.  I need to start thinking long-term.

I started eating healthier in the last week; tomorrow morning, I am going to wake up early and have a brief cardio workout session.  Need to get back into the habit of good things…

I can do this.

“Help, I have done it again…”

I have been having a hard time lately with the way I see myself.  Somehow, I am back to where I started in regards to my self-esteem.

 I know that it shouldn’t matter how much I weigh or what I look like because I am a good person.  I was beginning to believe that.  But when I look at pictures of my body, when I look in the mirror, all I can see is the features that disgust me (and I’m sure others).  I feel shameful, I feel…ugly.

How do I go out in public like that?  How can I face myself in the morning?  What in the hell was I thinking?

 I wish I could get rid of these thoughts.  I wish I could love me for exactly who I am and what I look like.  But it’s so hard trying to reverse years and years of conditioning, of thinking how I think.  And it’s so hard to allow myself to be happy because I equate all my unhappiness with how I look.

 Is this shallow?  Probably.  But this is the internal struggle that seems to keep coming up in my life.  I hope to God it stops; I hope to God I win.

Most of the time, I just wish I could wake up as a different person…or not wake up at all.