nothing but the rain

I love learning about the law.  From learning the different rules to how to bend them, I love learning about the law.  It’s almost instinctive for me; the logic of it all makes my brain fire up.

But I am also extremely frustrated right now.  Most of it is caused by the impending finals and my inability to write good essays during exams.

I keep getting the same feedback - I know the law, I know the rules; I just need to apply them and explain my conclusions.  The only problem is that I over-analyze too much in my head that I don’t know where to start.  I second guess myself when I’m writing out a problem.  I back-track.  I keep coming up with different permutations of the same issue.  And I take too long.

Yesterday, I spent 8 hours on writing out a Contracts problem.  EIGHT hours.  That is not including the amount of time I spent on it today.  Sadly to say, I still haven’t finished it.  I’m only skimming the surface, at this point.

I’m frustrated because I know that it’s all in my head.  It’s all in there, I just cannot figure out a way to get it out.

And the fact that I’m getting hung up on this - it’s taking away valuable time for me to actually review all the material from the past semester (and the past year for a couple of classes).  I’m running out of time and I’m afraid that my performance in my exams will be very disappointing.

It would be so easy right now to just let myself drown.  But I know I can’t… it’s my dream to learn this stuff.

I just wish I had more time.

Seems to be the way my life feels these days.  Any achievements made in the past two years have almost been completely backtracked.  I have no one to blame but myself.

There is always a pattern that emerges from my daily life.  I coast.  I’ve been coasting since the minute I figured out that I didn’t have to put in 100% effort to get more-than-enough results.  Some things came easy for me so I lacked any incentive to try harder.  The things that didn’t hold my attention just got put to the back-burner.

It’s the story of my life.

I admit now that I wish I were different.  I wish I could wake up tomorrow and find all my issues gone.  I wish to wake up a different person and I don’t know how to feel about that.

I guess the best way to describe my mood is indifference.  Or maybe even disappointment.  I am not happy, obviously.  But I do not think that I am sad.  I go through the list in my head and start on the road to change.  But I stop a quarter of the way and just go back to what is comfortable.  I am too comfortable.

Gods, I wish things were different.

Here I am, in Washington - near my parents, my high school friends, and all the other things I’ve tried running away from.  You would think after six years I would come to terms with all the memories associated with this place.  But it seems that I haven’t.  It seems that every time I return to Los Angeles, I just keep all this stuff in the back of mind until I have to deal with it again.

I was worried coming back home this year, mostly because I feel that I have backtracked in my progress.  Even though I’ve had an amazing year while I was away, it doesn’t seem to matter when I am this close.

My mother and I got into an argument the other day.  It tired me because it was the same pedestrian fight that we’ve been involved in for far too long.  I understand her side of the argument; I know that she is only worried and wants what is best for me.  But she cannot seem to understand that doing things her way is exactly the opposite of what I want.  I need to find my own way and it’s hard to do when she continues to block my path.

Last year, I walked up to my mother knowing that I’ve done good.  I accomplished something that took me years to do and I did it on my own terms.  I cannot explain the relief I felt at that moment.  But I feel like any progress I made has been hindered by this recent fight with my mother.

Words cannot express how much I am against this latest idea of hers.  After hearing it, my first instinct was to rebel.  I don’t want it to work, I probably won’t allow it to work.  When I told her my objection, I was just being honest - I didn’t not want to go.  I was trying to save us the trouble of having the same fight over and over again, because I know that when I come home next, she’ll just get mad again.

I know I’m being vague and I’ll probably get more into it later.  I’m just … I wish I could explain to her that I really really don’t want to do this.

I wish it were possible to pause time.  Long enough to enjoy the great moments and to catch up on all things I set aside in order to be there for those moments.  However, I would not trade those great moments for anything and they were worth every single sacrifice.

This past Sunday was amazing.  I spent it with a group of amazing people; people who genuinely care about the same thing that I care about, who support me, who love me, and who keep me sane when I drive myself crazy.  This is a group of people that I share some of the most amazing moments of my life.  These are the time when I wish I could pause time.  Right there.  Never grow up, never grow old, never say goodbye.

But something about the day just seemed as if everything was winding down and coming to an end for me.  I’ll stay involved; it’d be hard not to.  However, a part of me knows that I need to let go.  For more than a year, I was involved in something fun and exciting and new.  Unfortunately, I forgot that my life’s path is heading in a different direction.  And I cannot keep ignoring that.  I have to unpause.

&–

I am aware that many of my posts here are about real life and my aversion to live it.  This seems to be one of the few places where I feel comfortable in talking about my fears and my insecurities.  Not that I am hiding it from anyone, but something about being under the cover of a place I can actually call my own makes it unique.

Apparently, my body wanted to sleep rather than work out after I got home.  It didn’t help that I kept getting distracted in something that I shouldn’t stick my nose in, no matter how much it touches upon on my life.

I need to catch up on a lot of things this week.  Since the past two weeks were spent studying for the Civ Pro midterm and writing my legal memo, I didn’t really absorb much of the things that I read for my various classes.  I’ll probably be spending most of my time this week catching up and reviewing.  The lesson I learned from preparing for the midterm is that I cannot wait until the last minute to outline all my notes and all the reading.  It’s just not possible.

I’m starting to get a little apprehensive about my ability to survive law school.  Mostly because I am afraid that my tendency to skim through things without really remembering it will get in the way.

But I love law school and all the things I am learning.  It just makes sense to me, in a way.  I am determined to do well and to enjoy my time.

I know I have been slacking.  So much in fact, that I gained most of the weight I lost last year.  I can give the excuse that I am in law school and I don’t have the time to lose weight.  But, that’s only an excuse and is not a good one, in my opinion.

The truth is the fact that I am lazy.  I want to do it the easy way with quick results.  But, that’s unrealistic.

I want to find the motivation, something to look forward to.  I do not want to see exercise and eating right as a chore.  I do not want to see losing weight as something to dread.  And, I especially do not want to hit this wall every day of my life.

I was on a good path before.  Now, I just have to get right back on it.

At the very least, I want to workout for twenty minutes tomorrow.  I can spare twenty minutes.  No excuses.  I just need to do it.

I sound like a Nike commercial.