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A Life Ennui

John Lennon was the one who sang, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”  But what if life doesn’t happen to you when you’re following your plans?  What if, instead of delaying your life like you believe you are doing, you’re actually molding your life into what it’s going to be?

As more and more time goes on, the more and more I seclude myself from those around me.  I have ignored the complaints that I never go out, ignored the little jabs at my preferred method of interaction. I give the responses that I feel are true: I don’t like bars, I don’t like strangers, I like small dinners and conversations with close friends.  Maybe the explanations are true, or maybe just a pattern that I fell into as a defense mechanism.

Continued…

Posted in Unravel.


Twitter Discussion on Gay Marriage – A Reply

http://twitter.com/Camerus/status/8209307418
Though a couple is not required to have kids in order to get married or be married, procreation is still a big deal in marriage.  You can get an entire marriage annuled (as if it never happened legally), even after 30 years if you find out that your spouse lied about their ability to have children and you married them thinking that you’ll have kids eventually.  Furthermore, if procreation was NOT a big deal when it comes to marriage, then why do we prohibit brothers and sisters from marrying each other?

http://twitter.com/Camerus/status/8208540360
From a legal standpoint, interracial marriage is completely different from gay marriage.  There is something called strict scrutiny applied to constitutional issues of laws that discriminate or treat differently by race.  The government has to have a compelling reason for the law and the law must be narrowly tailored.  It’s a high bar to meet.  However, issues of discrimination against sexual orientation are given the rational basis test; if the government has a rational basis for the law and the law is designed to support that, then usually the law passes constitutional muster. It’s the lowest bar to meet.  This is the same test given to bigamy, and we all know how that turned out.  The first hurdle that the lawyers in the Prop 8 federal trial are going to have to do is either (1) say there is NO rational basis or (2) say that a higher scrutiny should govern discrimination against sexual orientation.  IMO, either is a tough sell.

[BTW, a line from Lawerence v. Texas which invalidate criminal laws against sodomy: "That this law as applied to private, consensual conduct is unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause does not mean that other laws distinguishing between heterosexuals and homosexuals would similarly fail under rational basis review. Texas cannot assert any legitimate state interest here, such as national security or preserving the traditional institution of marriage."  So, in essence, the Court is implying that protecting the institution of marriage IS a rational basis.  ]

Also, I understand that a lot of people quote to Loving v. Virginia, the Supreme Court decision that banned prohibition against interracial marriages.  Yes, there are many instances in that case where you can just substitute in a gay couple.  BUT, the history going into that case is also important to keep in mind.  By the time Loving was decided, only 16 states had laws like this, and most of those laws were dormant.  That means that the majority of the states had already decided that the prohibition was asinine.  Currently, only FIVE states recognize gay marriage and less than 20 have civil unions/domestic partnerships.  This is definitely not the track record you want to confront the Supreme Court with, IMO.

http://twitter.com/Camerus/status/8213622086
I completely agree that the state should get out of the marriage business and only enforce what are, essentially, contracts between people.  BUT, that’s not going to happen any time soon.  If people are having this many issues just letting go of the word “marriage”, I don’t think they’re going to give it up completely.

My thoughts on the current Prop 8 trial is that it’s going to fail in the end run.  The California federal court and probably the Ninth Circuit court of appeals will say that it unconstitutional to ban gay marriage.  But, the Supreme Court is known for overruling the 9th Circuit AND it doesn’t like being backed into a corner like this.  Heck, the federal government didn’t want to touch the issue back in the day (remember the time Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act?).

I understand what the proponents are trying to do, but I think they’re trying for too much too soon.  I would rather see them go state by state and get equal rights and obligations. Call it whatever but just not marriage; get most of the states on board to actually treating same-sex couples the same. THEN start going for the word “marriage” or, maybe by that time, the word doesn’t mean anything. [I don't get why people want to buy into an institution that discriminates against you, why not just get another institution established? I have a far more eloquent explanation of that, but I just woke up from a nap.]

Posted in Politics.


In re: “Net Neutrality Supporters Have First Amendment Upside Down”

http://bit.ly/6Ew12R

I somewhat agree with the assertion that the First Amendment does limit the government’s ability to regulate free speech. However, a completely textual argument would suggest that government can only be limited when it “abridges” (deprive, diminish, reduce in scope – http://m-w.com/dictionary/abridge) rather than expands free speech.  If the net neutrality regulations are promulgated under the FCC authority in order to protect free speech/access to information, then I don’t think that the ISP companies would have much of a chance by challenging the constitutionality of it on 1st amendment grounds. There is precedent for this type of regulation.  Turner Broadcasting v. FCC.  I doubt that a regulation on how much ISP companies charge its customers will fall under strict scrutiny because the law isn’t directly regulating speech per say.

Essentially, it would come down to whether the net neutrality rules actually do have a chilling effect on free speech/access to information.  So, how do you measure the chilling effect other than less users of the internet?  Would net neutrality cause less users?  Also – the United States isn’t the only one using the Internet, so how will anyone be able to show less speech without doing a headcount (on the internet?!).

On the flip side, do we have the right to FAST Internet access or access?  I remember a time when I was suffering through 56k modems, when it took me 1 hour to download a 3MB song (even when it was legal).  Do we even have the right to access the Internet at all?  Not everyone has free internet. We pay for services provided by a company.  If IPS companies wanted to charge me more based on how much bandwidth I used, I wouldn’t have a 1st Amendment complaint against the cable company (since the 1st Amendment only applies against the government).

HOWEVER, I think it’s unfair how I have to pay the same amount of money for my use of the internet (mostly Twitter, Hulu, and various message boards) while my neighbor can download seasons upon seasons of television shows.  Maybe a tiered system would give me more control of how much bandwidth I use and I can end up spending less money in the long run.   BUT, I like having the choice of using more bandwidth if I want to. So, really, it’s all just trade-offs.

Of course, I wouldn’t mind regulations on charging me more money for Internet use regardless, mostly because ISPs/cable companies/phone companies have easements on my property and they probably didn’t have to pay much for it.  [And believe me, I doubt those companies were complaining when those easements were taken under some kind of statute.]

Posted in Politics.


In a State of Transition

I find myself in the same state I felt when I was a senior in high school.  That place where you’re at the end of a stage in your life and you’re so close to that new beginning. You’re excited, apprehensive, scared, impatient, happy, and sad … (and lazy and unmotivated).  Senioritis.

It’s hard to keep my head in the game when I want to be 7 months into the future.  Logically, I know, I have to get through these next 7 months, have to do all the things required of me, must do the work to get the reward – otherwise, I won’t graduate and the thing I’m looking forward to ain’t going to happen.

Frustrated. That’s the feeling I’ve been dealing with a lot. Frustrated that I can’t make it all go faster, or slow down enough so I can catch up.  Frustrated that I want to be the person I know I am becoming but can’t do so yet until I finish all of this stuff.  It’s not busy work, like high school; it’s work that is essential.  But still frustrated.

Scared. I can’t help feeling scared sometimes. Scared that I will mess up something and that dream at the tip of my fingers will just dissipate. Scared that a small mistake will end up with very big and very real consequences.  This is “real life” stuff I’m dealing with now.  This is the “what I want to be when I grow up” – the challenge is pretty daunting.

Curious. I know I do not have everything figured out for the course of my life.  I know that point B is graduating law school and passing the bar exam.  Point C may be becoming a lawyer for a time.  But after that – I’m curious to find out where my life will lead me. Where I will find myself in five years, in ten?  Will I still be passionate about all this stuff?  Will I be happy?  How many of my dreams would have come true by then?

Drowning. In all honesty, I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. Time has become more valuable, and yet, I still manage to leave things until the last minute.  Character flaw of mine, for sure.  Procrastination, thy name is tabin.  The workload is getting to me.   I get so intimidated by the amount of work that needs to be done that I immobilize myself.  My priorities keep shifting back and forth.  I feel like I’m juggling and about to drop it all.

Lonely. I miss my friends. My kindred.  So many of the sacrifices made have involved spending time with those who keep me laughing, those who keep me sane.  Though all of those friends understand that this is something I have to do, I feel drained of energy because there’s no way to ‘recharge’ through being around people.

Happy. It took awhile to get to happy … still haven’t reached the status quo ante aestas. But it’s easier to remember now that yes, I was happy.  Because I know that all this stuff that brings me down now are just temporary.  That one day, I won’t have to sacrifice time with my friends in order to study. That I will be able to leave work at work and rest at home.  That my passion for law will lead to some good times.  That I’ll get to where I’m going, on my own terms. Because hey, in 7 months, I’m graduating law school.  That’s going to be awesome.

Posted in Law School, Real Life.


Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

The thing that scared me the most about yesterday was not that I was willing to give up completely, but the lack of hesitation. I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t ponder whether it was something I truly needed to do (because it was already a given that it was). I didn’t lock myself in a closet to help calm down. I just did it with no real barriers. And that’s what scares me.

I don’t feel proud of myself to resorting to the lowest of lows. But I don’t regret my decision either. I was at that point where being in my own skin was hell. The point where the only thing in my control was to turn my emotion to a physical manifestation.

Some people create out of emotion, as a way to cope. I destroy.

It made me calm. It made me concentrate and got me out of my head, a place so easy to get lost in.

It’ll fade, just like all the other times. No permanent reminder of this time. At least, not on the outside.

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Posted in Unravel.


Queen of Swords

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queenofswords

"She was as beatiful and as cold as a sculpture of ice..." ~ Archeon Tarot

“The Queen of Swords indicates a woman who is blessed (or cursed) with sharp perception, and highly honed intuition. She is acutely analytical, with a razor-sharp ability to get to the heart of a situation, seeing exactly what is, rather than what others would wish her to see.

She is a private woman, unwilling to let people too close to her until she is satisfied she thoroughly understands their motivations. But once won as a friend, she is unfailingly loyal, honest and supportive.

She’s usually very intelligent, with a dry sense of humor. Her penetrating insight will often reveal aspects of themselves to others that they had previously been unable to grasp – thus she is a capable therapist, teacher or leader.

The woman represented by this card will be experienced in the flow of life, understanding a great deal about both the great triumphs, and the deepest failings of the race. Her clarity and measured expression will be of great value at times of confusion and sadness.”


The Queen of Swords didn’t show up in my last reading, but I’m sure if I ask the cards again, she’d show up.  There is a tragic sadness and humor that I feel some connection to the Queen of Swords. The various descriptions make it hard to ignore that maybe this is who I am, at least at the moment.

So, the question is – can I accept the dual sides of the Queen of Swords? Can I accept the good and the bad? Am I lying to myself?

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Posted in Unravel.


Exchange Music Project Update…

Do not worry – I have not forgotten about this idea.  School is keeping me busy, but that’s no reason to not give you all homework.

The theme to this exchange is simple enough: Soundtrack to Your Life.  Make a list of songs that tells the story of your life – where you’ve been, where you want to be, what you do.  If that’s too much, then just a soundtrack for your day.

But, if you’re anything like me, you’ll need more direction to figure out your CD playlist. So, I offer this basic outline:

  1. Opening Credits:
  2. Waking Up:
  3. Life is Good:
  4. Secret Love:
  5. Quiet Moment:
  6. Falling In Love:
  7. Time with Friends:
  8. Breaking Up:
  9. Mental Breakdown:
  10. Driving:
  11. Flashback:
  12. Happy Dance:
  13. Regretting:
  14. “Fight” Song:
  15. Moment of Triumph:
  16. The Last Scene
  17. End Credits:

**This is just a suggestion for a track list – you don’t have to follow it. If you want to present your songs in another way, you’re more than welcome.

    Rules and guidelines:

    • It seems that the average CD will hold 17 songs, so try to keep the track numbers between 15 and 18.
    • As much as we all have favorite bands or favorite artists, think diversity.  At maximum, only have a max of two songs from the same band/artist.  If, for example, your favorite band broke up and old members started a new band, then three songs max from both bands.
    • Tracklist with the name of the song and the artist.  Simple list, numbered in order of the tracks on the CD.  Following each track, you can write something about why you chose the song.  Each “playlist” will be featured during the time the songs are available.

      That’s it for now.  Questions? Comments? Cookies? Comment or @ me on Twitter.

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      Posted in Geekiness.


      A Proposition: Twitter Music Exchange

      This idea was borne from a conversation about music block – a phase where you realize that you’re growing tired of the same songs repeating on your music player, be it your iPod or even the radio.  If you’re like me, you don’t listen to the radio so you don’t know what’s out there, nowadays.  If you’re like me, you pick your music from those random moments you actually hear a “new” song that catches you in an instant.  If you’re like me, you rely on your friends to save you from this stalemate of the same old, same old.

      This is what I propose to get out of this stalemate: a music exchange.  Better yet, this is also an offer to get to know people through music.

      The plan’s simple – each person in the exchange makes a CD of music.  Each CD will be a “soundtrack” of that person’s life.  Use songs to describe moments in your life, like waking up or lessons learned; songs that somehow give a little bit of insight into who you are.  After making the CD, you send it to someone in the exchange. They send theirs to someone else. Every two weeks, we just pass the CDs around until you eventually end up hearing everyone’s soundtrack.

      If there are 17 songs per CD, and 10 people sign up, that’s 153 (potentially) new songs for you to listen to. More people, more songs. And believe me – not everyone listens to the same music so you’re bound to find a gem somewhere in there.

      Anyone interested?  Comment here or @ me on Twitter. And I’ll figure out the logistics after I get a head-count.

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      Posted in Geekiness.


      Stained with Red

      Will this scar? Will this stain?
      Triumph marked by the thought
      - the regret? – of a mistake made.

      Will it burrow? Or will it fade?
      Price of the struggle left on skin
      hasn’t washed away.

      Am I scarred? Am I stained -
      stained with this remnant of red?

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      Posted in Writings.


      A Fault

      Somehow, two decades have passed since I moved to the United States (for good). Twenty years. How did that happen?  That’s first grade through high school, four years of college, two years of hanging around, and two years of law school.  And in all that time, I have not been able to become fluent in Korean.

      Yes, that bothers me.

      My earliest childhood memories are ones of growing up in Korea.  Memories of how my cousins tormented me.  Picking strawberries in the fields behind school.  Catching dragonflies.  Learning piano.  Playing GI Joes with my best friend. Bits of memories that don’t all flow together, but somehow seem whole.

      When I was six, my father was sent to the United States, and my mother and I obligatorily followed.  I left my family and came to live in a place where I had to learn most of the (new) language and forget the old one.  And I can’t seem to get back the fluency of Korean now that I am older.

      My mother’s sister (yes, my aunt, I’m aware of how that works) is in town. And by “in town,” I mean the same ZIP code.  My first reaction to my mother’s suggestion that I meet her while she’s still here was, “NO!”  Not because I don’t WANT to see her, or anyone from my mother’s side of the family. It’s because I am ashamed that I can’t talk to her.

      I can understand well enough (probably the vocabulary equivalent to that known by a 10 year old), but I just get a mental block when I want to reply. I can’t parse together a sentence. I blanked on how to say how old I was now. I get intimidated in Korean restaurants, for somethings sake.

      My parents have told me not to worry about it. But I do worry about it. And it doesn’t help much that Korea is one of those “shame-based” countries.  It reflects poorly on me that I can’t speak my native tongue.

      It feels like a part of me is missing because I can’t re-connect with the family that dominate my early life memories. I can’t joke about how I used to tattle on my cousin for sucking his thumb. Or how my uncles used to play card games on my blanket. Or how I thought my aunt was the prettiest woman in the world. Or how much they mean to me, even after twenty years away from them.

      Posted in Real Life.